As I walked down an extremely busy street in London sometime ago with a friend, a young man stopped me and said in a rather puzzled manner, “Do I know you?” I replied that I did not think so.
Later, as I considered this brief exchange of words, bearing in mind that I certainly had never seen him before; that I am not world-famous nor was he trying a smooth chat-up line, I concluded that the only reason he could possibly have had for stopping me was the fact that I had smiled at him, as I tend to do to many people. This little scenario got me thinking how important it is to maintain an openness and connection with other people even if we do not know them. Mother Teresa said “We shall never know all the good that a simple smile can do.”
Children, apparently, smile about 400 times a day; adults, however, smile 40-50 times a day when happy and only 20 times a day when not! Interestingly though it actually takes far less effort, from a physiological point of view, to smile than it does to frown and I often find myself encouraging clients to remember the power of a smile in connecting with others and simply to feel better.
The benefits of smiling are well documented and proven …
• Smiling helps you to feel happy and relaxed. If you are in a bad mood, simply by choosing to smile you can lift your spirits. Consequently, smiling can change your mood, your feelings, even your resulting actions by helping to generate more positive emotions.
The scientist Andrew Newberg has said that in experiments, the smile was “the symbol that was rated with the highest positive emotional content.”
• Smiling stimulates your brain’s reward mechanisms in a way that nothing can match.
• Smiling boosts your immune system.
• Smiling reduces stress as it leads to a decrease in stress induced hormones, this positively affects physical and mental health.
• Smiling is contagious. A recent study in Sweden showed that it was extremely difficult for others to frown when they looked at others who were smiling!
There is a reason that the most read book in the world says “laughter does good like a medicine”.
The Power of a Smile
Skillful CommunicatingAs I walked down an extremely busy street in London sometime ago with a friend, a young man stopped me and said in a rather puzzled manner, “Do I know you?” I replied that I did not think so.
Later, as I considered this brief exchange of words, bearing in mind that I certainly had never seen him before; that I am not world-famous nor was he trying a smooth chat-up line, I concluded that the only reason he could possibly have had for stopping me was the fact that I had smiled at him, as I tend to do to many people. This little scenario got me thinking how important it is to maintain an openness and connection with other people even if we do not know them. Mother Teresa said “We shall never know all the good that a simple smile can do.”
Children, apparently, smile about 400 times a day; adults, however, smile 40-50 times a day when happy and only 20 times a day when not! Interestingly though it actually takes far less effort, from a physiological point of view, to smile than it does to frown and I often find myself encouraging clients to remember the power of a smile in connecting with others and simply to feel better.
The benefits of smiling are well documented and proven …
• Smiling helps you to feel happy and relaxed. If you are in a bad mood, simply by choosing to smile you can lift your spirits. Consequently, smiling can change your mood, your feelings, even your resulting actions by helping to generate more positive emotions.
The scientist Andrew Newberg has said that in experiments, the smile was “the symbol that was rated with the highest positive emotional content.”
• Smiling stimulates your brain’s reward mechanisms in a way that nothing can match.
• Smiling boosts your immune system.
• Smiling reduces stress as it leads to a decrease in stress induced hormones, this positively affects physical and mental health.
• Smiling is contagious. A recent study in Sweden showed that it was extremely difficult for others to frown when they looked at others who were smiling!
There is a reason that the most read book in the world says “laughter does good like a medicine”.
Build relationships – be a great listener
Leadership & InfluenceWe usually think communication is about what we or others say, but ultimately it’s about what we or others hear!
Amazingly, we listen best at around the age of three. As small children, we mimic and copy what those around us say. At that age our minds are relatively uncluttered and receptive, and it is only as we get older, more opinionated and with more distractions that our ability to listen deteriorates. Skilful listeners focus on the speaker, and do not allow themselves to be distracted.
Seth Horowitz, an auditory neuroscientist, has said that, unsurprisingly, listening is becoming increasingly difficult in a world filled with digital distractions and one in which we regularly compromise speed for meaning.
Of course we have our frantically busy moments but we all do want to be better leaders, friends, colleagues, parents and spouses; and we can be by learning to listen to those we care about, by stopping, prioritising and giving them our full attention. Some years ago my teenage son said to me in a very memorable moment, “Mum I know that you love me because you listen to me!” It is something to be intentional about that produces great fruit.
The International Listening Association has published guidelines to help practice and achieve deep listening. These are some of their recommendations …
Give plenty of room for the speaker to talk and explain so they feel that they have been heard, whatever the ensuing discussion.
It takes courage to listen, to lay down our own thoughts, opinions and agendas to give room for someone else, but the results are worth it. We will then be able to give wise and considered responses instead of poor and hasty ones.
Overcoming Difficulties with Speaking -“Can’t breathe, talk or think!”
Overcoming the Fear of Public SpeakingThe study of human communication (anthroposemiotics) is a fascinating and complex one; it is very diverse, as there are multiple layers pertaining to what communication is and how we use its different features as human beings. Simply put, however, most face-to-face communication requires visually reading, listening and following along with at least one other person, offering gestures and verbal responses in reply, whilst maintaining eye contact throughout the interaction. Much of these human functions we do quite naturally, especially if we have grown up with well communicating role models; and yet it is still so common and understandable that at times, especially in high stake situations, we have to be particularly intentional about presenting in a professional, calm and self-controlled manner.
So many amazing things are happening physiologically and neurologically as we communicate with other people; these human attributes can either harmonise beautifully together or feel horribly disparate. This is where we have to come at speech work in a holistic manner …
For example, in another area of life, people may experience financial difficulties which could be simply due to the loss of a job or a stream of income, but sometimes it can be more a symptom of a deeper issue ie. overspending due to lack of self esteem or an inability to budget and so clearly some fiscal discipline and management is needed. Similarly, this can be the case with regards to being able to confidently speak in front of others. The moment the spotlight is on us, if we are untrained and unskilled in this area, a myriad of unwelcome thoughts, feelings and responses can manifest which make it extremely difficult to function and do a great job.
Happily, I believe that there are some very practical ways through these difficulties …
Skillful and hilarious communication!
Skillful Communicating, Voice CoachingTake one, not very tall, man; some lights; a huge platform and 20,000 people… all laughing for one and a half hours!
It really was a fun experience to be in an arena with so many people all laughing together. Laughter is infectious, so good for us and certainly does good like a medicine.
Such was our very enjoyable evening when the hilarious Michael McIntyre was entertaining an enormous crowd with no props, no special effects and no visual aids whatsoever.
It was a great feat of memorisation, engagement with the audience and unfailing energy to entertain so many people with simply a voice and a body! Michael McIntyre’s ability to make the mundane and familiar so amusing; to laugh at culture and language and to be so observant of the people to whose towns and cities he visits, is a gift. He is undoubtedly a very humorous and accomplished communicator.
Some key skills that Michael exhibited were having great energy and enthusiasm to fill his stage; content that connected with his audience and clearly hours and hours of practice that enabled him to be flawless in his delivery. He was totally professional and flexible when a couple of ladies interrupted one of his stories, and handled the situation with grace and absolutely no sign of panic that he was off script!
A few keys for all public speakers there!
Speaking Coaches: worth their weight in gold!
Presentation Skills Training, Voice Coaching“I really enjoyed the sessions and took a lot from them. Apparently I did a great job at the conference … Thank you so much!” Music Industry Exec
“It was such a great experience and my presentation went really well. It was a huge conference … All of your training and support stood me in good stead, and I adjusted my sessions to fit my audience… I followed all your recommendations to prepare myself for the presentation – and then thoroughly enjoyed the experience. Thank you for your steady guidance in the lead up. I couldn’t have done it without you.” Educator
“I’m so relieved it (the presentation) is over but it went well! I’ve had heaps of compliments …. Thank you so much.” HR professional
WOW – Let the comments speak for themselves!
Just because most of us are able to open our mouths and say something, doesn’t mean that what we are saying and how we are saying it, is effectively communicating and connecting with whomever our audience happens to be.
As with everything in life that we want to do well at, practise and skill are necessary. Being a great speaker, whether in a small group setting, a large audience or on media takes time, effort and focus. A talk or presentation begins as a little seed that has to be nurtured, thoughtfully developed and worked on if we are going to hit the mark with our listeners.
In our fast-paced world we so want to be able to microwave everything and produce it in 2 secs flat. In reality, there are very few people who are really able to spontaneously speak brilliantly; the few that can have, undoubtedly, had seasons of practise and growing in their expertise – although they may not tell you that!
When I hear, occasionally, people say that any sort of public speaking courses, presentation skills training or vocal coaching are unnecessary, I just smile. I bring to mind and celebrate the many individuals whom I have had the privilege of working with, in so many different professions and walks of life, who have successfully achieved and enjoyed the fruit of having worked on and improved their communication skills.
The Competitive Edge
Leadership & InfluencePeople with good social skills earn more money!
Research documented by the Harvard Business Review has shown that “People who have higher social skills, as measured by the survey, earn more money … than those with poor social skills. There seems to be a positive return to social skills in the labour market, according to the data, and the return is relatively greater when people are in jobs that require more interaction with others.”
This research is of no great surprise, even in our online, social media, AI age. The soft skills of good interpersonal communication and effective teamwork ie. getting on with your colleagues and connecting well with clients and stakeholders continue to be extremely important. Much time, effort and training are put into hard skills which, of course, are necessary, but what good is a lawyer if he can’t effectively communicate with his clients? … What good is a manager if she can’t speak with some emotional intelligence to her employees? … What good is a leader who is unable to cast vision to his team?
How we communicate and connect with others can be the sole reason for success or failure in a project, place of employment or promotion opportunity.
Releasing Your Voice
Leadership & Influence, Voice CoachingThe phrase ‘Releasing your voice’ resonates with so many of us because it is about freedom of expression to be all that we have been created to be.
From the moment a new little person is born into the world we listen for the first sign of life – a cry. The newborn baby comes out of the safety of her mother’s womb, takes in air, opens her mouth and emits a sound that lets us know that she has arrived in this world. The child continues to express herself through crying and noises until learning to form sounds and words and sentences, so developing the ability to express herself in a more mature and effective way.
I remember, as a child, wanting, no, needing to release my voice with full force and vigour as I had done as a baby with no restraints of what was polite or socially acceptable… so … I would stand under the railway bridge close to our home, and, as the train went over, I would let out a long, well-supported (by then I knew how to effectively use my diaphragm) shooooooooout! This vocal release eased tension, frustration and somehow helped me again to connect with my innermost being. Singing can be a wonderfully health-promoting pastime also.
Dr Peter Calafiura, an American psychiatrist, agrees that yelling can have a positive mental influence. “[Yelling] might trigger some endorphins, a natural high,” he says. “They might feel calm and it might even be a little addictive. It’s really similar to a runner’s high. They’re getting the same effect in a different way.”
Sometimes, we need to shout, shout and let it all out …! My only word of advice would be to do it somewhere where you are not going to distress or alarm someone else. I am certainly not advocating for giving way to venting and yelling at another human being …there is plenty of evidence that yelling in anger is seriously detrimental to one’s health.
Overcoming the fear of public speaking (2)
Overcoming the Fear of Public Speaking, Voice Coaching“Hi Sarah, I just wanted to let you know that my presentation went really well. I didn’t get that anxious feeling, which was great!” Marketing Executive
I love receiving feedback from my clients and hearing how well they have done, and are doing, in achieving their personal communication goals. One of these goals can be to actually begin to enjoy standing up (or sitting down) and sharing our thoughts, knowledge and ideas with others, in person or online.
What is it about speaking publicly that can make even the most robust of us tremble at the knees; and why does this very necessary part of our working lives continue to be cited as one of the greatest fears people have to face, second only to the fear of death?
Is it the knowledge of all eyes being solely on us? Is it the acute awareness of the responsibility to ‘deliver’? Is it a mistrust in ourselves not to do something that would make us look foolish?
There are certainly proven strategies and techniques for handling nerves that do not include drinking loads of alcohol prior to speaking, or taking beta blockers!
“You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face.” Eleanor Roosevelt
Being a ‘Confident Communicator’
Presentation Skills Training, Voice CoachingHow would you like to be described in your work context?
Some positive adjectives would be ‘Professional’, ‘Knowledgeable’, ‘Trustworthy’, ‘Reliable’, ‘Diligent’ etc. In my experience, the majority of working people also want to be considered ‘Confident’ because we recognise the benefit of coming across to others as being self-assured and fearless. However, it is always interesting and very necessary to clarify the exact meaning of words that we use so regularly and flippantly:
‘Confident’
marked by assurance, as of success
having strong belief or full assurance
very bold
trust or faith in a person or thing
the state or quality of being certain.
Trust, assurance, aplomb, self–confidence … these words all denote a feeling of emotional security resulting from faith in one’s ability to achieve a certain goal.
So, if we desire to be confident in the areas of public speaking and interpersonal communication, we must also remember that a ‘Communicator’ is someone who is skilled at conveying information or ideas to others.
‘Communication’ is the art and technique of using words effectively to exchange thoughts and to express oneself in such a way as to be readily and clearly understood.
Let’s put time, focus and intentionality behind achieving the above and we will be able to confidently say “I am a Confident Communicator!”
Considerate Comms
Leadership & InfluenceIn Western terms, it was William Wilberforce, the 19th century champion for the abolition of the slave-trade, who coined the phrase and terminology “manners”, encouraging considerate behaviour towards others. In a purely social context, we generally prefer spending time with people with pleasant social habits rather than poor ones.
Manners and courtesy, of course, also relate greatly to what we say; the words we use and the tone and emotion behind how we say them. We have all experienced the lie that “sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me”, so it is a great question to consider what sort of a verbal culture we are creating in our workplaces and homes. We expect our employees to speak to us, as well as their colleagues and clients, with politeness and professionalism so we indeed need to treat them with the same considerateness.
‘Mindful Communication’ encourages us to really consider what we are about to say before we say it, ie. “Is what I am about to say to this person how I would like to be spoken to?” If we are not sure, then even writing a complex or potentially contentious issue down and playing with rephrasing it could save unnecessary offence, difficulty and upset. In this day of Cancel Culture we need to be particularly careful in our written and verbal communications.
Our words are so powerful in helping to create positive environments around us, our colleagues and employees and so make for happier workplaces and homes. Much has been said about the dangers of being misunderstood by poorly thought-through texts and emails, but this continues to be something for excellent leaders and communicators to think about with regards to our verbal communication.